Expectations vs. Reality

Coming off of my last post about timing, I got to thinking about expectations and reality. More often than not you'll find people to be in one of two camps... the optimists, who have high expectations and are determined to meet them; and the pessimists who have "realistic" expectations of the situation. In the past I always liked to joke that I was a pessimist because that way I would always be right, or pleasantly surprised.

Anyway, the older I get - the more I wonder if all of that is really true. Looking back, I can see the direction my life has taken me, and how I've gotten to where I'm at. If I take a good look, however, I find that often times my reality either never met my original expectations, or so far surpassed them that I had to remind myself of the original goal.

I believe the late Gilda Radner summed up the disenchantment between expectations and reality best.

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what's going to happen next...Delicious ambiguity."

am-bi-gyoo-i-tee
- noun, plural
1. doubtfulness or uncertainty of meaning or intention
2. an unclear, indefinite, or equivocal word, expression, meaning, etc.

Hmmm, maybe people weren't that off base when they said that life isn't always seen in black and white, but rather shades of grey.

Time...

A lot has happened in September. I celebrated another birthday, took a much needed vacation to soak up some sun and wine, and have had some time to really reflect and be thankful for all that I have in my life. On my vacation I ended up chatting with a lovely couple who were celebrating their 21st wedding anniversary. We started talking about life and love, naturally, and in the middle of their story, as the wife was searching for that perfect word to describe their relationship, I muttered the word timing. She looked right in my eyes, smiled and said - "Exactly, timing is everything."

That conversation got me thinking about my life. After celebrating what has been the best birthday to-date, I started thinking about time and timing. The older I get the more it seems to me that time flies by, and the older I get, the more I realize how much timing plays an even larger part in my life than I originally anticipated.

Not to say that I don't believe in fate or destiny, but I do believe that when the time is right, when you're where you're supposed to be in your life - everything will just fall into place. That doesn't mean that it'll be easy, or it'll happen when you want it to, but it will happen.

Anyway, I digress, my friend Ben posted a very touching letter from his mom and I share with you, readers, the sentence that literally jumped off the page at me.

"Your life is a gift of unexpected proportions, and nothing about you or your life is an accident or coincidence."

So what will this year in my life hold for me? I don't know, but I do know that right now I'm right where I'm supposed to be, and hopefully right on time.

Ghosts

We all have them, that certain person or place that becomes forever etched in your memory. Whether it's hauntingly beautiful, or scares the living daylight out of you; you carry this person, place, or thing wherever you go.

Today, whilst listening to my current favorite music blog, The Hype Machine, the song Ghost Town by the band First Aid Kit came on. In that instant I was captured. The folk/airy sound of the guitar, the hauntingly beautiful voice of the lead singers, sisters Johanna and Klara Soderberg, and the lyrics all hit so close to home. So to all of you with ghosts, this one's for you...

"Ghost Town" Lyrics
All of these ghost towns I keep travelling through
All of these traffic signs and lonesome bars blind the view
I swear I can be better
I could be more to you
But there are things that line my path
That I just had to do

If you've got visions of the past
Let them follow you down
They'll come back to you some day
And I found myself attached to this railroad track
But I'll come back to you some day
To you
To you
To you
Some day

And I remember how you told me all that you wanted to do
That dream of Paris in the morning or a New York window view
I can see it now you're married and your wife is with a child
And you're all laughing in the garden and I'm lost somewhere in your mind

If you've got visions of the past
Let them follow you down
They'll come back to you some day
And I found myself attached to this railroad track
But I'll come back to you some day
To you
To you
To you
Some day

Maybe I should just turn around
Walk away
For no matter how much I really do want to stay
You know I can't, you know it's too late

For I've found myself attached to this railroad track
I'll come back to you some day
To you
To you
To you
Someday

Seven Things to Know in Life

Marion Winik is an author who writes mainly on creative nonfiction and poetry. Her essays and articles have been published in the The New York Times Magazine, O, and Real Simple. She has also reviewed books for Newsday  and the Los Angeles Times.

Anyway, one random Saturday I was perusing the shops looking for a birthday present for my friend when I stumbled across one of Marion's writings. It really is just a list of seven things you learn and come to know in life, but when I read those seven things - they all seemed to fall into place for me at that moment.

Seven Things to Know in Life
1. the path is not straight.
2. mistakes need not be fatal.
3. people are more important than achievements or possessions.
4. be gentle with your parents.
5. never stop doing what you care most about.
6. learn to use a semicolon.
7. you will find love.

Pain

I wrote this poem back in 2006 when a close friend of mine lost her niece unexpectedly. Today, I received some not so good news from another friend who is going through the same situation. I know that life isn't always fair, but there are some things that I truly don't understand.

Pain
Perfection
Two hands
Two feet
Ten little fingers
Ten little toes
The union of love giving nothing but love
Love that God deemed too big to share
Everything happens for a reason, they say
And in hind sight, lessons will be learned
But for now, all they have are the questions
All they feel is heartache
And it hurts so much to know that all you can do is stand on the sidelines
Able to do nothing

Back in the Day

I was digging through some of my old journals, reading past entries I wrote old poems posted - and it's interesting to see where I was in life when these were written. They say that time heals all wounds, so I'm sharing some poems below that I wrote roughly four years ago. While I can say definitively that I've moved forward, sometimes you have to look back to see just how far you've come.


Ice
Cold hard exterior
When warmed to the touch
Will there be anything left?


No Title
Standing on the edge
You open your eyes and look around
Your heart is racing
You feel the blood coursing through your veins
You search the darkness - looking for any sign, any light
Fighting the vertigo, the feeling that what you are about to do is natural
You reach your arms out for your last embrace
You tilt your head back, take a deep breath, close your eyes and dive into the darkness
Praying that when you land, when you make it to the other side
You come out unscathed

Run
Mind racing
Inhale 2-3-4
Exhale 2-3-4
Footsteps on the pavement echo the pounding of your heart
You urge your muscles forward
Ignoring the pain...telling yourself that hurting is good
As the road dips and curves, cars fly by you but you only focus on one thing
It's ahead in the distance
Too far to see, but you know that it's out there
That magical point where you will reach the end
Where the mind will stop racing
Where the muscles, fueled by adrenaline, will cease to hurt
Where you will look to the road behind you and think, "damn"
As your breath slows
Inhale 2-3-4
Exhale 2-3-4
You turn around and start the long but familiar journey home.

The Journey
Life is a journey... I've always been told
A road filled with dips and curves, long stretches, and sometimes even unexpected side roads
Along your travels there are various road stops
Some long, some short, some leave you wanting more, and others force you to continue on your path
Through it all, the peaks and valleys, wrong turns and dead ends
Always remember
That the end is really just the beginning
And that what you were looking for, you had all along

Why the Hell Not

For as long as I can remember I've always been drawn to writing. Pen to paper, words would flow and my mind would race as I would think about different nouns, verbs, and adjectives that would inevitably come together to form a thought. From short stories to journals, poems and even a simple letter, writing made me feel alive.

So, now that I have some free time I thought, "Why the hell not," and I decided to start this blog. For those of you that know me, you might laugh at the title because I am known to have a little bit of a dirty mind. This blog, however, I really see as a stepping stone, a way for me to find my voice in this crazy thing we call life.

Don't worry, this won't be a teenage diary full of angst, secret crushes, or rants at the world. Rather I'll be sharing words from poetry, to song lyrics, and even speeches written in movies and on TV that made me pause and go, "Oh - that's what  she/he said." In return, I invite you to share your thoughts and musings with me.