Vulnerable

vuhl-ner-uh-buh l - adjective
1. Capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon
2. Open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.
3. (of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend

Wow, so it's definitely been awhile since I posted anything. My apologies to anyone who might still read this. There are definitely a multitude of reasons as to why I haven't posted anything of late, but I won't bore you with the details.

Anyway, the title of this post sums up what I want to write about as this adjective has come up when I'm discussing numerous situations I'm in. The bottom line is, I despise, would alsmost classify it as borderline hate, being vulnerable. Chalk it up to me being a perfectionist, a control freak, or being raised by uber protective, alebit loving, parents who made me feel like failure of any sort was unacceptable... Or chalk it up to one of my quirks that make me, well, me and it's something that I'll likely have to work on for the rest of my life.

It's not so much the criticism that I can't handle, it's more of the fear of getting it wrong that stops me dead in my tracks. This fear then kick starts the over analytical part of my brain into overdrive, and once that happens... look out, because as my friend CW once told me... I'm like a turtle, who decides to withdraw its neck back into its shell.

So as I was reading "Homer's Oddesy" (sidebar: yes, it's a book about a blind cat, but you know what... it's a pretty good read) the statement made by the author, Gwen Cooper jumped out at me.

"I think, though, that I was almost more afraid of success than failure. The prospect of picking up the phone and making a single call that would, if it went the way I hoped, change the entire course of my life was terrifying. But if you were never willing to be fearless, you would never achieve anything worth having."

That fear, of changing your entire way of life. Of leaving behind what you know, what is safe, what you're content with... has a way of running my life, and I mean that both literally and figuratively. But I'm telling myself now, and well, all of you, that it's time for me to stop running. To stop withdrawing back into my shell if I feel too exposed.

I'm making this resolution to myself to start being fearless...Let's see how it goes.