"Life is like a book. Don't linger on the previous pages. Open a new chapter, and finish writing the rest. Don't spend forever trying to figure things out. Let it go because many things aren't meant to have answers." - Author Unknown
I'm sharing with you a journal entry I wrote to myself about a year ago. I understand that you can't live in the past, but sometimes it's really great to look back and see how far you've really come...
It's interesting to look back on where I was five years ago to where I am now. I know there's no point living in the past, but sometimes it's pretty cool to look back and see how far you've come. That's not to say that I stop learning, I'll always be learning and growing. However, it does mean that I have a better sense of myself, a deeper love for myself and a stronger faith than before.
So moving forward, I will continue to grow and learn and not be afraid of my past. I am who I am, faults and all; and I love myself more for that.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
And So it Begins
An unnoticed glance
A whisper left unheard
A simple touch turns complex
My mind is in overdrive
And so it begins
This game I play
Where the losers win
And the winners stand to lose everything
This game I play
With no one but myself
A whisper left unheard
A simple touch turns complex
My mind is in overdrive
And so it begins
This game I play
Where the losers win
And the winners stand to lose everything
This game I play
With no one but myself
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Happy Hol-I'm-in-a-daze
I know I've been sporadic posting this month. A lot of things in life have been clamoring for my attention, tugging my heartstrings and have caused my racing brain to go into overdrive this December. Life has been throwing me curve balls as of late, and from saying so long, but not goodbye, to my dear friend P who moved to the right coast - to planning what will likely be one of my hardest so longs to-date, I've truthfully been at a loss for words when trying to explain my life.
Per usual, I turned to music to ease my soul just a little bit, and once again the universe had a funny way of giving me a nudge (my friend CW would call it a wink - sidebar, if you want a very interesting read check it out). Typically when I get ready for work my routine is the same... drag my feet as I get ready whilst listening to music a la VH1 or MTV on in the background (yes, those channels still play some music). Anyway, on one particular morning when I was in a full on Debbie Downer, woe is me, what will I do mood - the latest song, "Strip Me" from Natasha Bedingfield came on. I'm fully aware that she is a pop princess, and that this song will likely grace the KISS FM top 20 lists for some time, but the one verse that struck and well stuck with me goes:
If you're wondering why, well, spoiler alert - I'm a little bit of a control freak, and when my BFF moves back home in the new year I freaked out because for the first time in forever, I'd be alone. Now, I know I'm not alone - I'm thankful and lucky enough to know I have a solid group of friends who really have become my family here. However, that doesn't mean that it's not scary to think that my anchor, my rock, won't be a car ride away. Anyway, when I heard this song... I kind of took the verse/refrain that I wrote above as my mantra for the new year. I realized that this is my life, and no one else or nothing else can define my life but me.
So as 2010 rapidly draws to an end, I'm going to remind myself of my new mantra and will promise myself to remember that as my great TV friend Carrie Bradshaw said, "After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart... and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away."
Per usual, I turned to music to ease my soul just a little bit, and once again the universe had a funny way of giving me a nudge (my friend CW would call it a wink - sidebar, if you want a very interesting read check it out). Typically when I get ready for work my routine is the same... drag my feet as I get ready whilst listening to music a la VH1 or MTV on in the background (yes, those channels still play some music). Anyway, on one particular morning when I was in a full on Debbie Downer, woe is me, what will I do mood - the latest song, "Strip Me" from Natasha Bedingfield came on. I'm fully aware that she is a pop princess, and that this song will likely grace the KISS FM top 20 lists for some time, but the one verse that struck and well stuck with me goes:
"If you strip me, strip it all away, if you strip me...what would you find? If you strip me, strip it all away... I'll be alright. Take what you want, steal my pride, build me up or cut me down to size. Shut me out, but I'll just scream...I'm only one voice in a million, but you ain't taking that from me."
If you're wondering why, well, spoiler alert - I'm a little bit of a control freak, and when my BFF moves back home in the new year I freaked out because for the first time in forever, I'd be alone. Now, I know I'm not alone - I'm thankful and lucky enough to know I have a solid group of friends who really have become my family here. However, that doesn't mean that it's not scary to think that my anchor, my rock, won't be a car ride away. Anyway, when I heard this song... I kind of took the verse/refrain that I wrote above as my mantra for the new year. I realized that this is my life, and no one else or nothing else can define my life but me.
So as 2010 rapidly draws to an end, I'm going to remind myself of my new mantra and will promise myself to remember that as my great TV friend Carrie Bradshaw said, "After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart... and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away."
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Save Yourself From the Monsters
So once again, I can't make this long because I'm at work... but I just read this fascinating article on one of my all time favorite websites, The Awl, that looks at the modern day heroine, and juxtaposes the battles of feminism and saving yourself against movie monsters. If you have the time, I definitely urge you to give it a read.
The part that really hit me and literally gave me shivers, are the last four paragraphs (pasted below for you to read), particularly the last one that I've bolded.
I have a couple more posts I want to get in before the holidays, but until then... happy reading!
"It's going to be hard. That's the thing: It's always going to be hard. It doesn't end with you beating the creature, getting clear; there's always a goddamn sequel. It ends with the monsters pouring through the door or the Hellmouth or the air ducts; it ends, sometimes, with you broke and unloved in a movie theater, clinging to the story because it's all you have. It ends with you being disliked, still, being watched, still. Because you're anomalous: always pathologized, always strange and frightening. Because as far as a lot of people are concerned, you're not the heroine of the piece. You're the monster.
So keep going. There's no show without the monster, after all. When I look back through these papers, all these institutional perspectives on who I was, I don't like the girl they're talking about. I wish she could have been someone else. But I see that there was something in her that, no matter how many times it was framed as a failing—her reported sensitivity to injustices done to others; she cared. Considerable and conscious compensatory fantasies; she wanted to survive, she said she was going to go to New York and become a writer. Her aggressive and unusual verbal behavior; she spoke in her own voice—never got cured. What I see is that she survived.
There's one version of the story that goes: There is someone out there. Someone good and wise and kind. And when you are in danger, when you need him most, he will always come to save you. It's a good story. But there's another story, too, that I think is important.
Because: What if no one is coming to save you? Sometimes, nobody is coming. And who didn't come to save you, and when? What happened, on the day that you were not saved? That was the day that you saved yourself. "
The part that really hit me and literally gave me shivers, are the last four paragraphs (pasted below for you to read), particularly the last one that I've bolded.
I have a couple more posts I want to get in before the holidays, but until then... happy reading!
"It's going to be hard. That's the thing: It's always going to be hard. It doesn't end with you beating the creature, getting clear; there's always a goddamn sequel. It ends with the monsters pouring through the door or the Hellmouth or the air ducts; it ends, sometimes, with you broke and unloved in a movie theater, clinging to the story because it's all you have. It ends with you being disliked, still, being watched, still. Because you're anomalous: always pathologized, always strange and frightening. Because as far as a lot of people are concerned, you're not the heroine of the piece. You're the monster.
So keep going. There's no show without the monster, after all. When I look back through these papers, all these institutional perspectives on who I was, I don't like the girl they're talking about. I wish she could have been someone else. But I see that there was something in her that, no matter how many times it was framed as a failing—her reported sensitivity to injustices done to others; she cared. Considerable and conscious compensatory fantasies; she wanted to survive, she said she was going to go to New York and become a writer. Her aggressive and unusual verbal behavior; she spoke in her own voice—never got cured. What I see is that she survived.
There's one version of the story that goes: There is someone out there. Someone good and wise and kind. And when you are in danger, when you need him most, he will always come to save you. It's a good story. But there's another story, too, that I think is important.
Because: What if no one is coming to save you? Sometimes, nobody is coming. And who didn't come to save you, and when? What happened, on the day that you were not saved? That was the day that you saved yourself. "
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Whirlwind
Wind
Wrap your arms around me
Intertwine our fingers and whatever you do, don't let me go
Nothing holds me up and
Dropping head first to the pavement below, I scream.
The wind cuts through me like a knife, carrying my hollow body above the trees.
Mind frozen with fear, I turn my neck to look at you and you're gone.
The wind shrieks and howls, mocking me, and proceeds to tease me...sweeping me higher then lower until all I long for is the feel of solid ground.
Wrap your arms around me
Intertwine our fingers and whatever you do, don't let me go
Nothing holds me up and
Dropping head first to the pavement below, I scream.
The wind cuts through me like a knife, carrying my hollow body above the trees.
Mind frozen with fear, I turn my neck to look at you and you're gone.
The wind shrieks and howls, mocking me, and proceeds to tease me...sweeping me higher then lower until all I long for is the feel of solid ground.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Who You Are and What They Say
I can't really write much now as I'm at work (shh...) but this came up on my Google Reader and it was too good to not share. This one goes to all my confident, deliberate, purpose-driven friends - y'all know who you are - keep dreaming and believing.
Who You Are And What They Say
If you are confident, they will say you are arrogant.
If you are deliberate, they will say you are too sure of yourself.
If you have a sense of purpose, they will say you are self-absorbed.
If you know who you are, they will ask, "Who are you, anyway?"
If you believe in kindness and compassion, they will say you are naive.
If you are a dreamer, they will say "join the real world."
If you are a rebel, they will try to shut you down.
The instructions include:
They are envious because they want what you have.
They are afraid of change even as they crave it.
They are projecting their own regret into resentment of you.
It's not all bad news: some of them will sort themselves out and end up joining you. Because you are a good person and have had plenty of false starts of your own, you'll understand and welcome them warmly. We've missed you! You'll say. It's about time you made it.
As for the others, well, you will remember what Gandhi said:
"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win."
Who You Are And What They Say
If you are confident, they will say you are arrogant.
If you are deliberate, they will say you are too sure of yourself.
If you have a sense of purpose, they will say you are self-absorbed.
If you know who you are, they will ask, "Who are you, anyway?"
If you believe in kindness and compassion, they will say you are naive.
If you are a dreamer, they will say "join the real world."
If you are a rebel, they will try to shut you down.
The instructions include:
- Rein it in.
- Slow it down.
- Wait it out.
- Pull it back.
- Take your time.
- Play it safe.
They are envious because they want what you have.
They are afraid of change even as they crave it.
They are projecting their own regret into resentment of you.
It's not all bad news: some of them will sort themselves out and end up joining you. Because you are a good person and have had plenty of false starts of your own, you'll understand and welcome them warmly. We've missed you! You'll say. It's about time you made it.
As for the others, well, you will remember what Gandhi said:
"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win."
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Have a Little Faith in Me
To say that I grew up in a non-religious household would be an outright lie. The product of two devout Roman Catholics, I went to school thinking that uniforms and Theology classes were normal from 1st grade through high school. Anyway, I never minded being Catholic growing up, and it's not to say that I mind it now - but that discussion is for a different day - however, at some point in time my unwavering faith diminished.
Anyway, as with any lack of faith came a lack of confidence, which soon led me to asking those two little questions that I know everyone asks at one point or another in their life..."what if". "What if he never calls me back?" "What if my parents move the entire family to Texas?" "What if I never see them again?" It's amazing how one small phrase comprised of six letters and one space can literally change your life.
Flash forward to the summer of 2010 and I'm having lunch with my friend MJ and we decide to go see the ultimate chick flick of the summer, "Letters to Juliet." Toward the end of the movie, Vanessa Redgrave reads her letter to the audience, and well - I'll just let the words do the rest. (Sidebar, since this was a chick flick the premise of the letter is about love. However, I think the bolded parts like most poetry, literature and songs, can be used to describe life).
Dear Claire,
What and if are two words as non-threatening as words can be, but put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.
What if, what if... what if? I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late.
If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like. A love to leave loved ones for, a love to cross oceans for; but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it that I'd have the courage to seize it. And Claire, if you didn't - I hope one day that you will.
All my love,
Juliet
Anyway, as with any lack of faith came a lack of confidence, which soon led me to asking those two little questions that I know everyone asks at one point or another in their life..."what if". "What if he never calls me back?" "What if my parents move the entire family to Texas?" "What if I never see them again?" It's amazing how one small phrase comprised of six letters and one space can literally change your life.
Flash forward to the summer of 2010 and I'm having lunch with my friend MJ and we decide to go see the ultimate chick flick of the summer, "Letters to Juliet." Toward the end of the movie, Vanessa Redgrave reads her letter to the audience, and well - I'll just let the words do the rest. (Sidebar, since this was a chick flick the premise of the letter is about love. However, I think the bolded parts like most poetry, literature and songs, can be used to describe life).
Dear Claire,
What and if are two words as non-threatening as words can be, but put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.
What if, what if... what if? I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late.
If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like. A love to leave loved ones for, a love to cross oceans for; but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it that I'd have the courage to seize it. And Claire, if you didn't - I hope one day that you will.
All my love,
Juliet
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