The Battle Between My Head and My Heart

"The question you need to answer is what do you want to get out of being with him? Take the doubts you think in your head, and figure out the feelings you have in your heart, and see which one wins."

Don't freak out... this post does not have to deal with the matter of love, although I can see how one might think that. In actuality, I wanted to write this post because lately there's been a war waging between my head and my heart throughout all aspects in my life.

As evidenced from all my earlier posts, there's been a lot going on in my life. Things are starting to settle down, and while I might have "jinxed" myself for saying that... I find that I'm often holding my breath and waiting inevitably for the other shoe to drop. Because of this I am questioning every action and reaction I have to the changes going on in my life, and while there are times when in my heart of hearts, I know that what's happening in my life is good. More often than not the overzealous manic part of my brain (aka "Racing Brain") starts turning it's wheels. So what, do I go after what my heart wants... even though my head is telling me, maybe now isn't the time? Or do I listen to my heart and pray to God that if it's meant to be it'll work itself out? I've already backed away from my dream once, I don't want to go down that road again.

Anyway, my friend Kate introduced me to this wonderful song by Mumford & Sons called Winter Winds. The refrain effortlessly describes the battle waging between my head and my heart at this moment.

"And my head told my heart 'Let love grow' But my heart told my head 'This time no... This time no.'"

So, I ask you... what would win, your head or your heart?

Fall

Let me preface this entry by simply stating that I love fall... The crunch of leaves at my feet, that slight chill and nip in the air, and the smell... I know, it sounds crazy, but for me fall has a smell and I love it. From curling up on my couch drinking hot cider or hot cocoa to smelling that latent "bonfire" smokey smell, and seeing the amazing array of colored leaves, what's not to love?

As I was walking through the city this afternoon... seeing the leaves on the ground got me thinking, so I'll share with you now what I wrote.

Falling
The wind pierces through the air
The leaves, undeterred, make their final journey to the ground below where they lay motionless to the world around them
Though they don't move, their voice is not silent as the soft crunch and crinkling sounds reverberates around the bustling city
The trees, now silent, stand naked, vulnerable to the elements...but remain strong, rooted so to speak, and not even the strongest of winds can break them
It's then that I realize, I'm the tree
Grounded by my beliefs, swaying in the winds of change, and like the leaves I find myself falling silently into the unknown.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

I realize it's been awhile since I've posted, but as the title of this post suggests there's been a lot of changes going on in my life. Between traveling, changing jobs, trying to find a new job and life in general - I feel like I've been going a hundred miles a minute.

Through all the ups and downs, however, I sometimes get that "stuck in a rut" feeling... and I just can't seem to shake it. I'm aware that it's all in my own head, but even with all this change it feels like some things are staying the same.

Anyway, a good friend of mine told me to stay patient and "keep the faith" but at times like this, I like to turn to music for those little reminders. Today's pick - Miike Snow's "Cult Logic" specifically the first verse.

"All my life I've been the slave of consequence
wondering how this life could be so intricate.
I wanna rewrite my heart and let the future in
I wanna open it up and let somebody in"

I get it, the choice is mine to sit and stew or to "keep moving forward" (sidebar - amazing movie), and as another good friend recently said, "At some point you're going to have to decide that the choice you made was the right one...if for no other reason that because it was the one you ultimately chose."

I'm on the Pursuit of Something...

I'm not going to lie, the start of October has been a little rough. Like most twenty-somethings, I feel like I'm at the time where I'm really beginning to understand what it is I want to be when I grow up. I know, that question is one we get so many times as kids, but when you're a kid... I don't think you have the same perspective or even understanding on where you are in life to know who or what it is you want to be.

So right now, as I'm in between jobs, I find myself sometimes walking that fine line between complacency and, well for lack of a better word, fear, and actually working toward achieving my dream. Mind you, I understand that dreams come true, not free, and that if I want something bad enough... I'm going to have to work to make it happen, but then this nagging, nay crushing, fear sometimes settles in and makes me question everything.

Back in the day, I put pen to paper and wrote about fear, so I'll share that now with you.
Fear
My biggest fear
Being nothing
I try and I try
Sometimes too hard
Sometimes not enough
But what happens if I try and nothing happens
I know it's silly to have my walls
I know it's silly to have my defenses
But what happens if my dreams don't come true?
I have nothing...
And my biggest fear...
Is being nothing.

Don't worry readers, I'm not typically a Debbie Downer. It's just that at that moment, I was so overwhelmed with fear that I succumbed to it. I let it control me, instead of believing in the possibility that it might work out as planned.

So as I was driving home tonight, one of my favorite jams from Kid Cudi came on the iPod. His track, "The Pursuit of Happiness" is a great mashup between Cudi and the boys from MGMT. The thing that really gets me thinking with this song, though, is the hook.

"I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know... everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold. I'll be fine, once I get it, I'll be good."

Anyway, feel free to peruse the video below and I know that I'll be fine, once I get it...

Expectations vs. Reality

Coming off of my last post about timing, I got to thinking about expectations and reality. More often than not you'll find people to be in one of two camps... the optimists, who have high expectations and are determined to meet them; and the pessimists who have "realistic" expectations of the situation. In the past I always liked to joke that I was a pessimist because that way I would always be right, or pleasantly surprised.

Anyway, the older I get - the more I wonder if all of that is really true. Looking back, I can see the direction my life has taken me, and how I've gotten to where I'm at. If I take a good look, however, I find that often times my reality either never met my original expectations, or so far surpassed them that I had to remind myself of the original goal.

I believe the late Gilda Radner summed up the disenchantment between expectations and reality best.

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what's going to happen next...Delicious ambiguity."

am-bi-gyoo-i-tee
- noun, plural
1. doubtfulness or uncertainty of meaning or intention
2. an unclear, indefinite, or equivocal word, expression, meaning, etc.

Hmmm, maybe people weren't that off base when they said that life isn't always seen in black and white, but rather shades of grey.

Time...

A lot has happened in September. I celebrated another birthday, took a much needed vacation to soak up some sun and wine, and have had some time to really reflect and be thankful for all that I have in my life. On my vacation I ended up chatting with a lovely couple who were celebrating their 21st wedding anniversary. We started talking about life and love, naturally, and in the middle of their story, as the wife was searching for that perfect word to describe their relationship, I muttered the word timing. She looked right in my eyes, smiled and said - "Exactly, timing is everything."

That conversation got me thinking about my life. After celebrating what has been the best birthday to-date, I started thinking about time and timing. The older I get the more it seems to me that time flies by, and the older I get, the more I realize how much timing plays an even larger part in my life than I originally anticipated.

Not to say that I don't believe in fate or destiny, but I do believe that when the time is right, when you're where you're supposed to be in your life - everything will just fall into place. That doesn't mean that it'll be easy, or it'll happen when you want it to, but it will happen.

Anyway, I digress, my friend Ben posted a very touching letter from his mom and I share with you, readers, the sentence that literally jumped off the page at me.

"Your life is a gift of unexpected proportions, and nothing about you or your life is an accident or coincidence."

So what will this year in my life hold for me? I don't know, but I do know that right now I'm right where I'm supposed to be, and hopefully right on time.

Ghosts

We all have them, that certain person or place that becomes forever etched in your memory. Whether it's hauntingly beautiful, or scares the living daylight out of you; you carry this person, place, or thing wherever you go.

Today, whilst listening to my current favorite music blog, The Hype Machine, the song Ghost Town by the band First Aid Kit came on. In that instant I was captured. The folk/airy sound of the guitar, the hauntingly beautiful voice of the lead singers, sisters Johanna and Klara Soderberg, and the lyrics all hit so close to home. So to all of you with ghosts, this one's for you...

"Ghost Town" Lyrics
All of these ghost towns I keep travelling through
All of these traffic signs and lonesome bars blind the view
I swear I can be better
I could be more to you
But there are things that line my path
That I just had to do

If you've got visions of the past
Let them follow you down
They'll come back to you some day
And I found myself attached to this railroad track
But I'll come back to you some day
To you
To you
To you
Some day

And I remember how you told me all that you wanted to do
That dream of Paris in the morning or a New York window view
I can see it now you're married and your wife is with a child
And you're all laughing in the garden and I'm lost somewhere in your mind

If you've got visions of the past
Let them follow you down
They'll come back to you some day
And I found myself attached to this railroad track
But I'll come back to you some day
To you
To you
To you
Some day

Maybe I should just turn around
Walk away
For no matter how much I really do want to stay
You know I can't, you know it's too late

For I've found myself attached to this railroad track
I'll come back to you some day
To you
To you
To you
Someday