Vulnerable

vuhl-ner-uh-buh l - adjective
1. Capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon
2. Open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.
3. (of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend

Wow, so it's definitely been awhile since I posted anything. My apologies to anyone who might still read this. There are definitely a multitude of reasons as to why I haven't posted anything of late, but I won't bore you with the details.

Anyway, the title of this post sums up what I want to write about as this adjective has come up when I'm discussing numerous situations I'm in. The bottom line is, I despise, would alsmost classify it as borderline hate, being vulnerable. Chalk it up to me being a perfectionist, a control freak, or being raised by uber protective, alebit loving, parents who made me feel like failure of any sort was unacceptable... Or chalk it up to one of my quirks that make me, well, me and it's something that I'll likely have to work on for the rest of my life.

It's not so much the criticism that I can't handle, it's more of the fear of getting it wrong that stops me dead in my tracks. This fear then kick starts the over analytical part of my brain into overdrive, and once that happens... look out, because as my friend CW once told me... I'm like a turtle, who decides to withdraw its neck back into its shell.

So as I was reading "Homer's Oddesy" (sidebar: yes, it's a book about a blind cat, but you know what... it's a pretty good read) the statement made by the author, Gwen Cooper jumped out at me.

"I think, though, that I was almost more afraid of success than failure. The prospect of picking up the phone and making a single call that would, if it went the way I hoped, change the entire course of my life was terrifying. But if you were never willing to be fearless, you would never achieve anything worth having."

That fear, of changing your entire way of life. Of leaving behind what you know, what is safe, what you're content with... has a way of running my life, and I mean that both literally and figuratively. But I'm telling myself now, and well, all of you, that it's time for me to stop running. To stop withdrawing back into my shell if I feel too exposed.

I'm making this resolution to myself to start being fearless...Let's see how it goes.

Listen

Recognition, realization, knowing, a flash of light through the dark. An instant, a decade, coming to terms with what your heart already knew. Understanding, accepting, not accepting, giving in to your fate. A sense of happiness, a sense of fear, a feeling of security in an insecure world or is it a feeling of insecurity in a secure world?

A revelation of feelings, emotions coursing through your body, seeing what few people can see and comprehending what too many people comprehend. Listening to the sacred song of your heart and hearing the fearful whisper of death. Respecting the fact that the song you hear may not be what everyone else is hearing, but finding the courage to sing your song.

Recognize the fact that we are alone in this world, however, each one of us is as important as the next. Realize that the gifts you have been given, have knowledge about the problems you have.

Give Me Something to Believe In

"Everything happens for a reason, and part of the beauty of life is that we're not allowed to know those reasons for certain." - Aron Ralston

That quote is from the phenomenal read "127 Hours Between a Rock and a Hard Place". If you haven't read the book, or seen the movie, I highly recommend it. It's a memoir of climber Aron Ralston's journey when he was literally stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Anyway, I digress... I chose the above quote because right now I need to remind myself that everything really does happen for a reason, even if I can't figure out what that reason is.

In his book, Ralston begins each chapter with a quote from a famous philosopher, athlete, singer or prophet... This quote on belief from Lance Armstrong was too good to not share.

"I believed in belief, for its own shining sake. To believe in the face of utter hopelessness, every evidence to the contrary, to ignore apparent catastrophe - what other choice was there? ... We are so much stronger than we imagine, and belief is one of the most valiant and long-lived human characteristics. To believe, when all along we humans know that nothing can cure the briefness of this life, that there is no remedy for our basic mortality, that is a form of bravery. To continue believing in yourself...believing in whatever I chose to believe in, that was the most important thing..."

Even though I don't understand the reason for some of the things happening in my life right now, I still believe.

My Wish for You

After fighting with the universe yesterday and for the better half of today, I had to re-read this email that one of my besties (L to the i-n-z) sent me to cheer me up. What's ironic is I sent this wish to her back in the day, yet somehow, here I am back in a spot where my faith is continuously being tested.

Anyway, I know that life is about the journey, and I'm thankful to have great friends who can gently remind me and guide me back on track. So here's my wish:

“Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want, everything you want. Do you have it? Good… Now believe it can come true. You never know where the next miracle is going to come from, the next smile, the next wish come true. But if you believe that it’s right around the corner and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, the certainty of it… you just might get the thing you’re wishing for. The world is full of magic, you just have to believe in it. So make your wish, do you have it? Good… Now believe in it with all your heart.” - Author Unknown

Sweet Surrender

While going through the monotony of my work day, I had a very interesting conversation with my good friend CW about the usual; life, love and the overall joys of adulthood. Anyway, CW clued me in on my new favorite indie band, The Damnwells (sidebar - their song Say is by far my favorite), and we started talking about life and change. If you're a new reader to my blog, or it's been awhile, you'll know that right now I'm on the cusp of a lot of new beginnings and some sad endings. While I know that's a common part of life, fighting the fear of the unknown against the beauty of embracing it, there are some lessons that are a little harder for me to learn.

Anyway, CW told me about this Ryan Reynolds (sidebar - he will be my future husband, he just doesn't know it yet) movie on Netflix called Chaos Theory and shared with me this gem of a quote.

"But it turns out there are few things more chaotic than the beat of the human heart. Its beating up, slowing down. Pretty face, flirty stares. It's always changing on what's happening to ourselves out there. It's an erratic son of a bitch. But underneath all that bump-da-bump mess, there is in fact a pattern, the truth and it's love. Most important thing about love is that we choose to give it, and we choose to receive it. Making it the least random act in the entire universe. It transcends blood, it transcends betrayal and all the dirt and makes us human."

Moving Forward

"Life is like a book. Don't linger on the previous pages. Open a new chapter, and finish writing the rest. Don't spend forever trying to figure things out. Let it go because many things aren't meant to have answers." - Author Unknown

I'm sharing with you a journal entry I wrote to myself about a year ago. I understand that you can't live in the past, but sometimes it's really great to look back and see how far you've really come...

It's interesting to look back on where I was five years ago to where I am now. I know there's no point living in the past, but sometimes it's pretty cool to look back and see how far you've come. That's not to say that I stop learning, I'll always be learning and growing. However, it does mean that I have a better sense of myself, a deeper love for myself and a stronger faith than before.

So moving forward, I will continue to grow and learn and not be afraid of my past. I am who I am, faults and all; and I love myself more for that.

And So it Begins

An unnoticed glance
A whisper left unheard
A simple touch turns complex
My mind is in overdrive
And so it begins
This game I play
Where the losers win
And the winners stand to lose everything
This game I play
With no one but myself