Happy Hol-I'm-in-a-daze

I know I've been sporadic posting this month. A lot of things in life have been clamoring for my attention, tugging my heartstrings and have caused my racing brain to go into overdrive this December. Life has been throwing me curve balls as of late, and from saying so long, but not goodbye, to my dear friend P who moved to the right coast - to planning what will likely be one of my hardest so longs to-date, I've truthfully been at a loss for words when trying to explain my life.

Per usual, I turned to music to ease my soul just a little bit, and once again the universe had a funny way of giving me a nudge (my friend CW would call it a wink - sidebar, if you want a very interesting read check it out). Typically when I get ready for work my routine is the same... drag my feet as I get ready whilst listening to music a la VH1 or MTV on in the background (yes, those channels still play some music). Anyway, on one particular morning when I was in a full on Debbie Downer, woe is me, what will I do mood - the latest song, "Strip Me" from Natasha Bedingfield came on. I'm fully aware that she is a pop princess, and that this song will likely grace the KISS FM top 20 lists for some time, but the one verse that struck and well stuck with me goes:

"If you strip me, strip it all away, if you strip me...what would you find? If you strip me, strip it all away... I'll be alright. Take what you want, steal my pride, build me up or cut me down to size. Shut me out, but I'll just scream...I'm only one voice in a million, but you ain't taking that from me."   

If you're wondering why, well, spoiler alert - I'm a little bit of a control freak, and when my BFF moves back home in the new year I freaked out because for the first time in forever, I'd be alone. Now, I know I'm not alone - I'm thankful and lucky enough to know I have a solid group of friends who really have become my family here. However, that doesn't mean that it's not scary to think that my anchor, my rock, won't be a car ride away. Anyway, when I heard this song... I kind of took the verse/refrain that I wrote above as my mantra for the new year. I realized that this is my life, and no one else or nothing else can define my life but me.

So as 2010 rapidly draws to an end, I'm going to remind myself of my new mantra and will promise myself to remember that as my great TV friend Carrie Bradshaw said, "After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart... and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away."

Save Yourself From the Monsters

So once again, I can't make this long because I'm at work... but I just read this fascinating article on one of my all time favorite websites, The Awl, that looks at the modern day heroine, and juxtaposes the battles of feminism and saving yourself against movie monsters. If you have the time, I definitely urge you to give it a read.

The part that really hit me and literally gave me shivers, are the last four paragraphs (pasted below for you to read), particularly the last one that I've bolded.

I have a couple more posts I want to get in before the holidays, but until then... happy reading!

"It's going to be hard. That's the thing: It's always going to be hard. It doesn't end with you beating the creature, getting clear; there's always a goddamn sequel. It ends with the monsters pouring through the door or the Hellmouth or the air ducts; it ends, sometimes, with you broke and unloved in a movie theater, clinging to the story because it's all you have. It ends with you being disliked, still, being watched, still. Because you're anomalous: always pathologized, always strange and frightening. Because as far as a lot of people are concerned, you're not the heroine of the piece. You're the monster.

So keep going. There's no show without the monster, after all. When I look back through these papers, all these institutional perspectives on who I was, I don't like the girl they're talking about. I wish she could have been someone else. But I see that there was something in her that, no matter how many times it was framed as a failing—her reported sensitivity to injustices done to others; she cared. Considerable and conscious compensatory fantasies; she wanted to survive, she said she was going to go to New York and become a writer. Her aggressive and unusual verbal behavior; she spoke in her own voice—never got cured. What I see is that she survived.

There's one version of the story that goes: There is someone out there. Someone good and wise and kind. And when you are in danger, when you need him most, he will always come to save you. It's a good story. But there's another story, too, that I think is important.

Because: What if no one is coming to save you? Sometimes, nobody is coming. And who didn't come to save you, and when? What happened, on the day that you were not saved? That was the day that you saved yourself. "

Whirlwind

Wind
Wrap your arms around me
Intertwine our fingers and whatever you do, don't let me go
Nothing holds me up and
Dropping head first to the pavement below, I scream.
The wind cuts through me like a knife, carrying my hollow body above the trees.
Mind frozen with fear, I turn my neck to look at you and you're gone.
The wind shrieks and howls, mocking me, and proceeds to tease me...sweeping me higher then lower until all I long for is the feel of solid ground.

Who You Are and What They Say

I can't really write much now as I'm at work (shh...) but this came up on my Google Reader and it was too good to not share. This one goes to all my confident, deliberate, purpose-driven friends - y'all know who you are - keep dreaming and believing.

Who You Are And What They Say
If you are confident, they will say you are arrogant.
If you are deliberate, they will say you are too sure of yourself.
If you have a sense of purpose, they will say you are self-absorbed.
If you know who you are, they will ask, "Who are you, anyway?"
If you believe in kindness and compassion, they will say you are naive.
If you are a dreamer, they will say "join the real world."
If you are a rebel, they will try to shut you down.

The instructions include:

• Rein it in.
• Slow it down.
• Wait it out.
• Pull it back.
• Take your time.
• Play it safe.

But you will know:
They are envious because they want what you have.
They are afraid of change even as they crave it.
They are projecting their own regret into resentment of you.

It's not all bad news: some of them will sort themselves out and end up joining you. Because you are a good person and have had plenty of false starts of your own, you'll understand and welcome them warmly. We've missed you! You'll say. It's about time you made it.

As for the others, well, you will remember what Gandhi said:
"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win."

Have a Little Faith in Me

To say that I grew up in a non-religious household would be an outright lie. The product of two devout Roman Catholics, I went to school thinking that uniforms and Theology classes were normal from 1st grade through high school. Anyway, I never minded being Catholic growing up, and it's not to say that I mind it now - but that discussion is for a different day - however, at some point in time my unwavering faith diminished.

Anyway, as with any lack of faith came a lack of confidence, which soon led me to asking those two little questions that I know everyone asks at one point or another in their life..."what if". "What if he never calls me back?" "What if my parents move the entire family to Texas?" "What if I never see them again?" It's amazing how one small phrase comprised of six letters and one space can literally change your life.

Flash forward to the summer of 2010 and I'm having lunch with my friend MJ and we decide to go see the ultimate chick flick of the summer, "Letters to Juliet." Toward the end of the movie, Vanessa Redgrave reads her letter to the audience, and well - I'll just let the words do the rest. (Sidebar, since this was a chick flick the premise of the letter is about love. However, I think the bolded parts like most poetry, literature and songs, can be used to describe life).

Dear Claire,

What and if are two words as non-threatening as words can be, but put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.

What if, what if... what if? I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late.

If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like. A love to leave loved ones for, a love to cross oceans for; but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it that I'd have the courage to seize it. And Claire, if you didn't - I hope one day that you will.

All my love,
Juliet

In-Decision

"Stay," she said, but knew that her plea would fall onto deaf ears. Her eyes wide with earnest, she stared into their soul willing that the answer she wanted, a simple yes, would cross their lips. Her chest rose as she took an anxious breath in, and out of nervous habit she chewed her lower lip.

She fully comprehended the selfishness behind her request, but as she teetered precariously between hope and heartache the decision to "speak her mind" took control.

The silence that filled her ears spoke volumes and in that moment she knew... the decision was made and life as she knew it would never be the same.

To New Beginnings?

Well, I did it... I got a job, albeit it's a six month contracting gig, but it's a job. What I do not have, however, is a job in the industry that I want to be working in. I'm not stupid... I know in this economy beggars can't be choosers, and while I'm grateful to have a steady income, I still hold onto that fear that I'm selling out.

Anyway, while I was readying myself for what will now be my daily commute, I saw a snippet of "Closer to the Edge" from 30 Seconds to Mars. Yes that is the band that features Jared Leto (AKA Jordan Catalano) as the lead singer, but before you judge... maybe check out the video. At the end, there's a girl who looks directly into the camera and states, "Some people believe in God, I believe in music... Some people pray, and I turn up the radio." Right then and there I fell in love with that statement.... why? There I was driving to work, caught in that chasm between excitement and fear, and in the midst of telling myself that this is a new chapter, a new beginning... (Sidebar, why do we call it a new beginning? I mean if something has ended, obviously a beginning has to occur after said ending, and if that's the case... isn't it always new?) the song "Waiting for the End" by Linkin Park came on the radio...

Lyrics can be found here, but my two favorite parts...

The refrain:

"I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven’t got"

And the third verse - specifically the last line:

"What was left when that fire was gone
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it’s like moving on
And I don’t even know what kind of things I said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
Picking up those pieces now where to begin
The hardest part of ending is starting again"