Have a Little Faith in Me

To say that I grew up in a non-religious household would be an outright lie. The product of two devout Roman Catholics, I went to school thinking that uniforms and Theology classes were normal from 1st grade through high school. Anyway, I never minded being Catholic growing up, and it's not to say that I mind it now - but that discussion is for a different day - however, at some point in time my unwavering faith diminished.

Anyway, as with any lack of faith came a lack of confidence, which soon led me to asking those two little questions that I know everyone asks at one point or another in their life..."what if". "What if he never calls me back?" "What if my parents move the entire family to Texas?" "What if I never see them again?" It's amazing how one small phrase comprised of six letters and one space can literally change your life.

Flash forward to the summer of 2010 and I'm having lunch with my friend MJ and we decide to go see the ultimate chick flick of the summer, "Letters to Juliet." Toward the end of the movie, Vanessa Redgrave reads her letter to the audience, and well - I'll just let the words do the rest. (Sidebar, since this was a chick flick the premise of the letter is about love. However, I think the bolded parts like most poetry, literature and songs, can be used to describe life).

Dear Claire,

What and if are two words as non-threatening as words can be, but put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.

What if, what if... what if? I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late.

If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like. A love to leave loved ones for, a love to cross oceans for; but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it that I'd have the courage to seize it. And Claire, if you didn't - I hope one day that you will.

All my love,
Juliet

In-Decision

"Stay," she said, but knew that her plea would fall onto deaf ears. Her eyes wide with earnest, she stared into their soul willing that the answer she wanted, a simple yes, would cross their lips. Her chest rose as she took an anxious breath in, and out of nervous habit she chewed her lower lip.

She fully comprehended the selfishness behind her request, but as she teetered precariously between hope and heartache the decision to "speak her mind" took control.

The silence that filled her ears spoke volumes and in that moment she knew... the decision was made and life as she knew it would never be the same.

To New Beginnings?

Well, I did it... I got a job, albeit it's a six month contracting gig, but it's a job. What I do not have, however, is a job in the industry that I want to be working in. I'm not stupid... I know in this economy beggars can't be choosers, and while I'm grateful to have a steady income, I still hold onto that fear that I'm selling out.

Anyway, while I was readying myself for what will now be my daily commute, I saw a snippet of "Closer to the Edge" from 30 Seconds to Mars. Yes that is the band that features Jared Leto (AKA Jordan Catalano) as the lead singer, but before you judge... maybe check out the video. At the end, there's a girl who looks directly into the camera and states, "Some people believe in God, I believe in music... Some people pray, and I turn up the radio." Right then and there I fell in love with that statement.... why? There I was driving to work, caught in that chasm between excitement and fear, and in the midst of telling myself that this is a new chapter, a new beginning... (Sidebar, why do we call it a new beginning? I mean if something has ended, obviously a beginning has to occur after said ending, and if that's the case... isn't it always new?) the song "Waiting for the End" by Linkin Park came on the radio...

Lyrics can be found here, but my two favorite parts...

The refrain:

"I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven’t got"

And the third verse - specifically the last line:

"What was left when that fire was gone
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it’s like moving on
And I don’t even know what kind of things I said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
Picking up those pieces now where to begin
The hardest part of ending is starting again"

 

The Battle Between My Head and My Heart

"The question you need to answer is what do you want to get out of being with him? Take the doubts you think in your head, and figure out the feelings you have in your heart, and see which one wins."

Don't freak out... this post does not have to deal with the matter of love, although I can see how one might think that. In actuality, I wanted to write this post because lately there's been a war waging between my head and my heart throughout all aspects in my life.

As evidenced from all my earlier posts, there's been a lot going on in my life. Things are starting to settle down, and while I might have "jinxed" myself for saying that... I find that I'm often holding my breath and waiting inevitably for the other shoe to drop. Because of this I am questioning every action and reaction I have to the changes going on in my life, and while there are times when in my heart of hearts, I know that what's happening in my life is good. More often than not the overzealous manic part of my brain (aka "Racing Brain") starts turning it's wheels. So what, do I go after what my heart wants... even though my head is telling me, maybe now isn't the time? Or do I listen to my heart and pray to God that if it's meant to be it'll work itself out? I've already backed away from my dream once, I don't want to go down that road again.

Anyway, my friend Kate introduced me to this wonderful song by Mumford & Sons called Winter Winds. The refrain effortlessly describes the battle waging between my head and my heart at this moment.

"And my head told my heart 'Let love grow' But my heart told my head 'This time no... This time no.'"

So, I ask you... what would win, your head or your heart?

Fall

Let me preface this entry by simply stating that I love fall... The crunch of leaves at my feet, that slight chill and nip in the air, and the smell... I know, it sounds crazy, but for me fall has a smell and I love it. From curling up on my couch drinking hot cider or hot cocoa to smelling that latent "bonfire" smokey smell, and seeing the amazing array of colored leaves, what's not to love?

As I was walking through the city this afternoon... seeing the leaves on the ground got me thinking, so I'll share with you now what I wrote.

Falling
The wind pierces through the air
The leaves, undeterred, make their final journey to the ground below where they lay motionless to the world around them
Though they don't move, their voice is not silent as the soft crunch and crinkling sounds reverberates around the bustling city
The trees, now silent, stand naked, vulnerable to the elements...but remain strong, rooted so to speak, and not even the strongest of winds can break them
It's then that I realize, I'm the tree
Grounded by my beliefs, swaying in the winds of change, and like the leaves I find myself falling silently into the unknown.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

I realize it's been awhile since I've posted, but as the title of this post suggests there's been a lot of changes going on in my life. Between traveling, changing jobs, trying to find a new job and life in general - I feel like I've been going a hundred miles a minute.

Through all the ups and downs, however, I sometimes get that "stuck in a rut" feeling... and I just can't seem to shake it. I'm aware that it's all in my own head, but even with all this change it feels like some things are staying the same.

Anyway, a good friend of mine told me to stay patient and "keep the faith" but at times like this, I like to turn to music for those little reminders. Today's pick - Miike Snow's "Cult Logic" specifically the first verse.

"All my life I've been the slave of consequence
wondering how this life could be so intricate.
I wanna rewrite my heart and let the future in
I wanna open it up and let somebody in"

I get it, the choice is mine to sit and stew or to "keep moving forward" (sidebar - amazing movie), and as another good friend recently said, "At some point you're going to have to decide that the choice you made was the right one...if for no other reason that because it was the one you ultimately chose."

I'm on the Pursuit of Something...

I'm not going to lie, the start of October has been a little rough. Like most twenty-somethings, I feel like I'm at the time where I'm really beginning to understand what it is I want to be when I grow up. I know, that question is one we get so many times as kids, but when you're a kid... I don't think you have the same perspective or even understanding on where you are in life to know who or what it is you want to be.

So right now, as I'm in between jobs, I find myself sometimes walking that fine line between complacency and, well for lack of a better word, fear, and actually working toward achieving my dream. Mind you, I understand that dreams come true, not free, and that if I want something bad enough... I'm going to have to work to make it happen, but then this nagging, nay crushing, fear sometimes settles in and makes me question everything.

Back in the day, I put pen to paper and wrote about fear, so I'll share that now with you.
Fear
My biggest fear
Being nothing
I try and I try
Sometimes too hard
Sometimes not enough
But what happens if I try and nothing happens
I know it's silly to have my walls
I know it's silly to have my defenses
But what happens if my dreams don't come true?
I have nothing...
And my biggest fear...
Is being nothing.

Don't worry readers, I'm not typically a Debbie Downer. It's just that at that moment, I was so overwhelmed with fear that I succumbed to it. I let it control me, instead of believing in the possibility that it might work out as planned.

So as I was driving home tonight, one of my favorite jams from Kid Cudi came on the iPod. His track, "The Pursuit of Happiness" is a great mashup between Cudi and the boys from MGMT. The thing that really gets me thinking with this song, though, is the hook.

"I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know... everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold. I'll be fine, once I get it, I'll be good."

Anyway, feel free to peruse the video below and I know that I'll be fine, once I get it...