Happy Hol-I'm-in-a-daze

I know I've been sporadic posting this month. A lot of things in life have been clamoring for my attention, tugging my heartstrings and have caused my racing brain to go into overdrive this December. Life has been throwing me curve balls as of late, and from saying so long, but not goodbye, to my dear friend P who moved to the right coast - to planning what will likely be one of my hardest so longs to-date, I've truthfully been at a loss for words when trying to explain my life.

Per usual, I turned to music to ease my soul just a little bit, and once again the universe had a funny way of giving me a nudge (my friend CW would call it a wink - sidebar, if you want a very interesting read check it out). Typically when I get ready for work my routine is the same... drag my feet as I get ready whilst listening to music a la VH1 or MTV on in the background (yes, those channels still play some music). Anyway, on one particular morning when I was in a full on Debbie Downer, woe is me, what will I do mood - the latest song, "Strip Me" from Natasha Bedingfield came on. I'm fully aware that she is a pop princess, and that this song will likely grace the KISS FM top 20 lists for some time, but the one verse that struck and well stuck with me goes:

"If you strip me, strip it all away, if you strip me...what would you find? If you strip me, strip it all away... I'll be alright. Take what you want, steal my pride, build me up or cut me down to size. Shut me out, but I'll just scream...I'm only one voice in a million, but you ain't taking that from me."   

If you're wondering why, well, spoiler alert - I'm a little bit of a control freak, and when my BFF moves back home in the new year I freaked out because for the first time in forever, I'd be alone. Now, I know I'm not alone - I'm thankful and lucky enough to know I have a solid group of friends who really have become my family here. However, that doesn't mean that it's not scary to think that my anchor, my rock, won't be a car ride away. Anyway, when I heard this song... I kind of took the verse/refrain that I wrote above as my mantra for the new year. I realized that this is my life, and no one else or nothing else can define my life but me.

So as 2010 rapidly draws to an end, I'm going to remind myself of my new mantra and will promise myself to remember that as my great TV friend Carrie Bradshaw said, "After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart... and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away."

Save Yourself From the Monsters

So once again, I can't make this long because I'm at work... but I just read this fascinating article on one of my all time favorite websites, The Awl, that looks at the modern day heroine, and juxtaposes the battles of feminism and saving yourself against movie monsters. If you have the time, I definitely urge you to give it a read.

The part that really hit me and literally gave me shivers, are the last four paragraphs (pasted below for you to read), particularly the last one that I've bolded.

I have a couple more posts I want to get in before the holidays, but until then... happy reading!

"It's going to be hard. That's the thing: It's always going to be hard. It doesn't end with you beating the creature, getting clear; there's always a goddamn sequel. It ends with the monsters pouring through the door or the Hellmouth or the air ducts; it ends, sometimes, with you broke and unloved in a movie theater, clinging to the story because it's all you have. It ends with you being disliked, still, being watched, still. Because you're anomalous: always pathologized, always strange and frightening. Because as far as a lot of people are concerned, you're not the heroine of the piece. You're the monster.

So keep going. There's no show without the monster, after all. When I look back through these papers, all these institutional perspectives on who I was, I don't like the girl they're talking about. I wish she could have been someone else. But I see that there was something in her that, no matter how many times it was framed as a failing—her reported sensitivity to injustices done to others; she cared. Considerable and conscious compensatory fantasies; she wanted to survive, she said she was going to go to New York and become a writer. Her aggressive and unusual verbal behavior; she spoke in her own voice—never got cured. What I see is that she survived.

There's one version of the story that goes: There is someone out there. Someone good and wise and kind. And when you are in danger, when you need him most, he will always come to save you. It's a good story. But there's another story, too, that I think is important.

Because: What if no one is coming to save you? Sometimes, nobody is coming. And who didn't come to save you, and when? What happened, on the day that you were not saved? That was the day that you saved yourself. "

Whirlwind

Wind
Wrap your arms around me
Intertwine our fingers and whatever you do, don't let me go
Nothing holds me up and
Dropping head first to the pavement below, I scream.
The wind cuts through me like a knife, carrying my hollow body above the trees.
Mind frozen with fear, I turn my neck to look at you and you're gone.
The wind shrieks and howls, mocking me, and proceeds to tease me...sweeping me higher then lower until all I long for is the feel of solid ground.

Who You Are and What They Say

I can't really write much now as I'm at work (shh...) but this came up on my Google Reader and it was too good to not share. This one goes to all my confident, deliberate, purpose-driven friends - y'all know who you are - keep dreaming and believing.

Who You Are And What They Say
If you are confident, they will say you are arrogant.
If you are deliberate, they will say you are too sure of yourself.
If you have a sense of purpose, they will say you are self-absorbed.
If you know who you are, they will ask, "Who are you, anyway?"
If you believe in kindness and compassion, they will say you are naive.
If you are a dreamer, they will say "join the real world."
If you are a rebel, they will try to shut you down.

The instructions include:

• Rein it in.
• Slow it down.
• Wait it out.
• Pull it back.
• Take your time.
• Play it safe.

But you will know:
They are envious because they want what you have.
They are afraid of change even as they crave it.
They are projecting their own regret into resentment of you.

It's not all bad news: some of them will sort themselves out and end up joining you. Because you are a good person and have had plenty of false starts of your own, you'll understand and welcome them warmly. We've missed you! You'll say. It's about time you made it.

As for the others, well, you will remember what Gandhi said:
"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win."

Have a Little Faith in Me

To say that I grew up in a non-religious household would be an outright lie. The product of two devout Roman Catholics, I went to school thinking that uniforms and Theology classes were normal from 1st grade through high school. Anyway, I never minded being Catholic growing up, and it's not to say that I mind it now - but that discussion is for a different day - however, at some point in time my unwavering faith diminished.

Anyway, as with any lack of faith came a lack of confidence, which soon led me to asking those two little questions that I know everyone asks at one point or another in their life..."what if". "What if he never calls me back?" "What if my parents move the entire family to Texas?" "What if I never see them again?" It's amazing how one small phrase comprised of six letters and one space can literally change your life.

Flash forward to the summer of 2010 and I'm having lunch with my friend MJ and we decide to go see the ultimate chick flick of the summer, "Letters to Juliet." Toward the end of the movie, Vanessa Redgrave reads her letter to the audience, and well - I'll just let the words do the rest. (Sidebar, since this was a chick flick the premise of the letter is about love. However, I think the bolded parts like most poetry, literature and songs, can be used to describe life).

Dear Claire,

What and if are two words as non-threatening as words can be, but put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.

What if, what if... what if? I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late.

If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like. A love to leave loved ones for, a love to cross oceans for; but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it that I'd have the courage to seize it. And Claire, if you didn't - I hope one day that you will.

All my love,
Juliet

In-Decision

"Stay," she said, but knew that her plea would fall onto deaf ears. Her eyes wide with earnest, she stared into their soul willing that the answer she wanted, a simple yes, would cross their lips. Her chest rose as she took an anxious breath in, and out of nervous habit she chewed her lower lip.

She fully comprehended the selfishness behind her request, but as she teetered precariously between hope and heartache the decision to "speak her mind" took control.

The silence that filled her ears spoke volumes and in that moment she knew... the decision was made and life as she knew it would never be the same.

To New Beginnings?

Well, I did it... I got a job, albeit it's a six month contracting gig, but it's a job. What I do not have, however, is a job in the industry that I want to be working in. I'm not stupid... I know in this economy beggars can't be choosers, and while I'm grateful to have a steady income, I still hold onto that fear that I'm selling out.

Anyway, while I was readying myself for what will now be my daily commute, I saw a snippet of "Closer to the Edge" from 30 Seconds to Mars. Yes that is the band that features Jared Leto (AKA Jordan Catalano) as the lead singer, but before you judge... maybe check out the video. At the end, there's a girl who looks directly into the camera and states, "Some people believe in God, I believe in music... Some people pray, and I turn up the radio." Right then and there I fell in love with that statement.... why? There I was driving to work, caught in that chasm between excitement and fear, and in the midst of telling myself that this is a new chapter, a new beginning... (Sidebar, why do we call it a new beginning? I mean if something has ended, obviously a beginning has to occur after said ending, and if that's the case... isn't it always new?) the song "Waiting for the End" by Linkin Park came on the radio...

Lyrics can be found here, but my two favorite parts...

The refrain:

"I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven’t got"

And the third verse - specifically the last line:

"What was left when that fire was gone
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it’s like moving on
And I don’t even know what kind of things I said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
Picking up those pieces now where to begin
The hardest part of ending is starting again"

 

The Battle Between My Head and My Heart

"The question you need to answer is what do you want to get out of being with him? Take the doubts you think in your head, and figure out the feelings you have in your heart, and see which one wins."

Don't freak out... this post does not have to deal with the matter of love, although I can see how one might think that. In actuality, I wanted to write this post because lately there's been a war waging between my head and my heart throughout all aspects in my life.

As evidenced from all my earlier posts, there's been a lot going on in my life. Things are starting to settle down, and while I might have "jinxed" myself for saying that... I find that I'm often holding my breath and waiting inevitably for the other shoe to drop. Because of this I am questioning every action and reaction I have to the changes going on in my life, and while there are times when in my heart of hearts, I know that what's happening in my life is good. More often than not the overzealous manic part of my brain (aka "Racing Brain") starts turning it's wheels. So what, do I go after what my heart wants... even though my head is telling me, maybe now isn't the time? Or do I listen to my heart and pray to God that if it's meant to be it'll work itself out? I've already backed away from my dream once, I don't want to go down that road again.

Anyway, my friend Kate introduced me to this wonderful song by Mumford & Sons called Winter Winds. The refrain effortlessly describes the battle waging between my head and my heart at this moment.

"And my head told my heart 'Let love grow' But my heart told my head 'This time no... This time no.'"

So, I ask you... what would win, your head or your heart?

Fall

Let me preface this entry by simply stating that I love fall... The crunch of leaves at my feet, that slight chill and nip in the air, and the smell... I know, it sounds crazy, but for me fall has a smell and I love it. From curling up on my couch drinking hot cider or hot cocoa to smelling that latent "bonfire" smokey smell, and seeing the amazing array of colored leaves, what's not to love?

As I was walking through the city this afternoon... seeing the leaves on the ground got me thinking, so I'll share with you now what I wrote.

Falling
The wind pierces through the air
The leaves, undeterred, make their final journey to the ground below where they lay motionless to the world around them
Though they don't move, their voice is not silent as the soft crunch and crinkling sounds reverberates around the bustling city
The trees, now silent, stand naked, vulnerable to the elements...but remain strong, rooted so to speak, and not even the strongest of winds can break them
It's then that I realize, I'm the tree
Grounded by my beliefs, swaying in the winds of change, and like the leaves I find myself falling silently into the unknown.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

I realize it's been awhile since I've posted, but as the title of this post suggests there's been a lot of changes going on in my life. Between traveling, changing jobs, trying to find a new job and life in general - I feel like I've been going a hundred miles a minute.

Through all the ups and downs, however, I sometimes get that "stuck in a rut" feeling... and I just can't seem to shake it. I'm aware that it's all in my own head, but even with all this change it feels like some things are staying the same.

Anyway, a good friend of mine told me to stay patient and "keep the faith" but at times like this, I like to turn to music for those little reminders. Today's pick - Miike Snow's "Cult Logic" specifically the first verse.

"All my life I've been the slave of consequence
wondering how this life could be so intricate.
I wanna rewrite my heart and let the future in
I wanna open it up and let somebody in"

I get it, the choice is mine to sit and stew or to "keep moving forward" (sidebar - amazing movie), and as another good friend recently said, "At some point you're going to have to decide that the choice you made was the right one...if for no other reason that because it was the one you ultimately chose."

I'm on the Pursuit of Something...

I'm not going to lie, the start of October has been a little rough. Like most twenty-somethings, I feel like I'm at the time where I'm really beginning to understand what it is I want to be when I grow up. I know, that question is one we get so many times as kids, but when you're a kid... I don't think you have the same perspective or even understanding on where you are in life to know who or what it is you want to be.

So right now, as I'm in between jobs, I find myself sometimes walking that fine line between complacency and, well for lack of a better word, fear, and actually working toward achieving my dream. Mind you, I understand that dreams come true, not free, and that if I want something bad enough... I'm going to have to work to make it happen, but then this nagging, nay crushing, fear sometimes settles in and makes me question everything.

Back in the day, I put pen to paper and wrote about fear, so I'll share that now with you.
Fear
My biggest fear
Being nothing
I try and I try
Sometimes too hard
Sometimes not enough
But what happens if I try and nothing happens
I know it's silly to have my walls
I know it's silly to have my defenses
But what happens if my dreams don't come true?
I have nothing...
And my biggest fear...
Is being nothing.

Don't worry readers, I'm not typically a Debbie Downer. It's just that at that moment, I was so overwhelmed with fear that I succumbed to it. I let it control me, instead of believing in the possibility that it might work out as planned.

So as I was driving home tonight, one of my favorite jams from Kid Cudi came on the iPod. His track, "The Pursuit of Happiness" is a great mashup between Cudi and the boys from MGMT. The thing that really gets me thinking with this song, though, is the hook.

"I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know... everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold. I'll be fine, once I get it, I'll be good."

Anyway, feel free to peruse the video below and I know that I'll be fine, once I get it...

Expectations vs. Reality

Coming off of my last post about timing, I got to thinking about expectations and reality. More often than not you'll find people to be in one of two camps... the optimists, who have high expectations and are determined to meet them; and the pessimists who have "realistic" expectations of the situation. In the past I always liked to joke that I was a pessimist because that way I would always be right, or pleasantly surprised.

Anyway, the older I get - the more I wonder if all of that is really true. Looking back, I can see the direction my life has taken me, and how I've gotten to where I'm at. If I take a good look, however, I find that often times my reality either never met my original expectations, or so far surpassed them that I had to remind myself of the original goal.

I believe the late Gilda Radner summed up the disenchantment between expectations and reality best.

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what's going to happen next...Delicious ambiguity."

am-bi-gyoo-i-tee
- noun, plural
1. doubtfulness or uncertainty of meaning or intention
2. an unclear, indefinite, or equivocal word, expression, meaning, etc.

Hmmm, maybe people weren't that off base when they said that life isn't always seen in black and white, but rather shades of grey.

Time...

A lot has happened in September. I celebrated another birthday, took a much needed vacation to soak up some sun and wine, and have had some time to really reflect and be thankful for all that I have in my life. On my vacation I ended up chatting with a lovely couple who were celebrating their 21st wedding anniversary. We started talking about life and love, naturally, and in the middle of their story, as the wife was searching for that perfect word to describe their relationship, I muttered the word timing. She looked right in my eyes, smiled and said - "Exactly, timing is everything."

That conversation got me thinking about my life. After celebrating what has been the best birthday to-date, I started thinking about time and timing. The older I get the more it seems to me that time flies by, and the older I get, the more I realize how much timing plays an even larger part in my life than I originally anticipated.

Not to say that I don't believe in fate or destiny, but I do believe that when the time is right, when you're where you're supposed to be in your life - everything will just fall into place. That doesn't mean that it'll be easy, or it'll happen when you want it to, but it will happen.

Anyway, I digress, my friend Ben posted a very touching letter from his mom and I share with you, readers, the sentence that literally jumped off the page at me.

"Your life is a gift of unexpected proportions, and nothing about you or your life is an accident or coincidence."

So what will this year in my life hold for me? I don't know, but I do know that right now I'm right where I'm supposed to be, and hopefully right on time.

Ghosts

We all have them, that certain person or place that becomes forever etched in your memory. Whether it's hauntingly beautiful, or scares the living daylight out of you; you carry this person, place, or thing wherever you go.

Today, whilst listening to my current favorite music blog, The Hype Machine, the song Ghost Town by the band First Aid Kit came on. In that instant I was captured. The folk/airy sound of the guitar, the hauntingly beautiful voice of the lead singers, sisters Johanna and Klara Soderberg, and the lyrics all hit so close to home. So to all of you with ghosts, this one's for you...

"Ghost Town" Lyrics
All of these ghost towns I keep travelling through
All of these traffic signs and lonesome bars blind the view
I swear I can be better
I could be more to you
But there are things that line my path
That I just had to do

If you've got visions of the past
Let them follow you down
They'll come back to you some day
And I found myself attached to this railroad track
But I'll come back to you some day
To you
To you
To you
Some day

And I remember how you told me all that you wanted to do
That dream of Paris in the morning or a New York window view
I can see it now you're married and your wife is with a child
And you're all laughing in the garden and I'm lost somewhere in your mind

If you've got visions of the past
Let them follow you down
They'll come back to you some day
And I found myself attached to this railroad track
But I'll come back to you some day
To you
To you
To you
Some day

Maybe I should just turn around
Walk away
For no matter how much I really do want to stay
You know I can't, you know it's too late

For I've found myself attached to this railroad track
I'll come back to you some day
To you
To you
To you
Someday

Seven Things to Know in Life

Marion Winik is an author who writes mainly on creative nonfiction and poetry. Her essays and articles have been published in the The New York Times Magazine, O, and Real Simple. She has also reviewed books for Newsday  and the Los Angeles Times.

Anyway, one random Saturday I was perusing the shops looking for a birthday present for my friend when I stumbled across one of Marion's writings. It really is just a list of seven things you learn and come to know in life, but when I read those seven things - they all seemed to fall into place for me at that moment.

Seven Things to Know in Life
1. the path is not straight.
2. mistakes need not be fatal.
3. people are more important than achievements or possessions.
4. be gentle with your parents.
5. never stop doing what you care most about.
6. learn to use a semicolon.
7. you will find love.

Pain

I wrote this poem back in 2006 when a close friend of mine lost her niece unexpectedly. Today, I received some not so good news from another friend who is going through the same situation. I know that life isn't always fair, but there are some things that I truly don't understand.

Pain
Perfection
Two hands
Two feet
Ten little fingers
Ten little toes
The union of love giving nothing but love
Love that God deemed too big to share
Everything happens for a reason, they say
And in hind sight, lessons will be learned
But for now, all they have are the questions
All they feel is heartache
And it hurts so much to know that all you can do is stand on the sidelines
Able to do nothing

Back in the Day

I was digging through some of my old journals, reading past entries I wrote old poems posted - and it's interesting to see where I was in life when these were written. They say that time heals all wounds, so I'm sharing some poems below that I wrote roughly four years ago. While I can say definitively that I've moved forward, sometimes you have to look back to see just how far you've come.


Ice
Cold hard exterior
When warmed to the touch
Will there be anything left?


No Title
Standing on the edge
You open your eyes and look around
Your heart is racing
You feel the blood coursing through your veins
You search the darkness - looking for any sign, any light
Fighting the vertigo, the feeling that what you are about to do is natural
You reach your arms out for your last embrace
You tilt your head back, take a deep breath, close your eyes and dive into the darkness
Praying that when you land, when you make it to the other side
You come out unscathed

Run
Mind racing
Inhale 2-3-4
Exhale 2-3-4
Footsteps on the pavement echo the pounding of your heart
You urge your muscles forward
Ignoring the pain...telling yourself that hurting is good
As the road dips and curves, cars fly by you but you only focus on one thing
It's ahead in the distance
Too far to see, but you know that it's out there
That magical point where you will reach the end
Where the mind will stop racing
Where the muscles, fueled by adrenaline, will cease to hurt
Where you will look to the road behind you and think, "damn"
As your breath slows
Inhale 2-3-4
Exhale 2-3-4
You turn around and start the long but familiar journey home.

The Journey
Life is a journey... I've always been told
A road filled with dips and curves, long stretches, and sometimes even unexpected side roads
Along your travels there are various road stops
Some long, some short, some leave you wanting more, and others force you to continue on your path
Through it all, the peaks and valleys, wrong turns and dead ends
Always remember
That the end is really just the beginning
And that what you were looking for, you had all along

Why the Hell Not

For as long as I can remember I've always been drawn to writing. Pen to paper, words would flow and my mind would race as I would think about different nouns, verbs, and adjectives that would inevitably come together to form a thought. From short stories to journals, poems and even a simple letter, writing made me feel alive.

So, now that I have some free time I thought, "Why the hell not," and I decided to start this blog. For those of you that know me, you might laugh at the title because I am known to have a little bit of a dirty mind. This blog, however, I really see as a stepping stone, a way for me to find my voice in this crazy thing we call life.

Don't worry, this won't be a teenage diary full of angst, secret crushes, or rants at the world. Rather I'll be sharing words from poetry, to song lyrics, and even speeches written in movies and on TV that made me pause and go, "Oh - that's what  she/he said." In return, I invite you to share your thoughts and musings with me.